Do you know that story about Mohammed Atta walking into the World Trade Center, loudly chatting on the phone with his mates as he thoroughly explored the towers that they would later reduce to ashes and dust with their hijacked Boeings?

No? No matter, you can’t be expected to know everything.

Besides, it never happened, because as anyone with a shred of common sense will understand, dangerous terrorists don’t yell into their phones to draw attention to themselves in the very place they intend to destroy.

Right?

Well... anyone with a shred of common sense might understand that, but Leiden University’s Security Department clearly did not. Because when security guards spotted a man walking around the Wijnhaven building while video calling two years ago, they immediately sounded the alarm. And flew into a panic.

The reason: he was speaking Arabic! The language of the enemy!

After secretly following him (because simply asking the ‘suspect’ what he was doing there, whether he was looking for someone, or needed help would have been far too dangerous, of course!), the police were notified – as well as the AIVD (General Intelligence and Security Service) and the MIVD (Netherlands Defence Intelligence and Security Service). Nothing to worry about, concluded the officers (who did actually speak to the man). He was lost, had an appointment somewhere further down the street and had accidentally walked into the wrong building. Case closed.

Paranoia

‘A load of bollocks’, according to the Security Department, as revealed in newly released Open Government Act (WOO) documents. The (largely redacted) correspondence confirms what many already feared: security policy is a random patchwork of unproven speculation (‘something is brewing’), paranoia (‘this is part of something bigger’), hallucinations (‘there is a major (state?) actor...’), delusions (‘...systematically conducting reconnaissance for attacks’) and racist conspiracy theories (‘AZC covers’).

‘A load of bollocks’, according to the Security Department, as revealed in newly released Open Government Act (WOO) documents. The (largely redacted) correspondence confirms what many already feared: security policy is a random patchwork of unproven speculation (‘something is brewing’), paranoia (‘this is part of something bigger’), hallucinations (‘there is a major (state?) actor...’), delusions (‘...systematically conducting reconnaissance for attacks’) and racist conspiracy theories (‘AZC covers’).

One department’s megalomaniacal delusions held the entire university hostage for two years

This trivial self-importance of James Bond & His Mates would have been laughable if the consequences had not been so profoundly sad and far-reaching. Because it was on the basis of these megalomaniacal delusions that one department was able to hold the entire university hostage for over two years.

After first locking down the Wijnhaven building for three days (which happened purely ‘on the university’s own initiative’, according to the police), the Security Department put in place a prison-like regime that continues to this day: endless LU-Card checks, upended bags, guards chasing students and staff down the streets and plain-clothes security guards (‘How do you do, fellow kids?’) spying on and photographing students.

Leiden’s ‘War on Terror’

Anyone who hung up a banner or had the nerve to demonstrate could expect to be beaten up by the riot police. Students were knocked unconscious or broke their arms trying to fend off baton blows.

All of this at the famed bastion of freedom.

And all because of a single lost man.

Lo and behold, our very own Leiden “War on Terror”, in which Steven Seagal & His Buddies fancied themselves playing a leading role on the Grand World Stage of (State?) Actors.

If you’ve read the obituaries following the recent death of former American Vice President Dick Cheney, or (re)watched the brilliant biopic Vice (2018), you’ll have noticed the unmistakable parallels. Scared of making tough decisions himself, a clumsy and uninspired leader (George W. Bush) falls back on an experienced but war-hungry veteran with delusions of threats.

That false sense of security feels cosy and comfortable, until you suddenly find yourself in a war and stuck with Guantanamo Bay for life.

Just compare:

‘Saddam has weapons of mass destruction.’

with:

‘Something is brewing.’

That a single university department can operate so completely detached from reality is nothing short of absurd. But what’s truly worrying is that this department has the full support of the Board.

Now that the false assumptions about the ‘threat’ have been begrudgingly acknowledged (the WOO documents in question were initially withheld and only released after an appeal), the official response still echoes the mantra used to defend bunker regimes ad nauseam – including by Dick ‘Darth Vader’ Cheney: ‘Safety above all else.’

Crackpot theories

But it gets even crazier: all the crackpot theories Jackie Chan & His Homies used to justify their regime were dismissed by the spokesperson as ‘private opinions’. 

Except that it was those very opinions that led to the entire university community having to wave LU-Cards, have their belongings searched, be ethnically profiled, eavesdropped on, followed, secretly photographed or beaten up for two long years. So how exactly are they ‘private’?

Leaders with a backbone would seize this moment to do two things: offer sincere apologies and announce that the overblown security policy will be scaled back immediately.

The opposite happened.

Even though the Board was already aware of the unforgivable blunders of Chuck Norris & His Pals, the regime has been ramped up for the umpteenth time. The new Spui building, which opens in February, will be equipped with access gates. From this month, automatic LU-Card readers will be installed at the doors of Administration and Central Services. Without clearance, no one gets past reception.

You’d almost start to believe that something is brewing.